Listen in before your next meeting.
No one loves drama at work. But we’ve all had those meetings, the ones where everyone leaves nodding their heads and believing they’re all on the same page… only to receive an email several hours later from someone who wants to critique or change the plans.
Ego loves drama. And ego drives all the little actions we take to get through everyday tasks. When we don’t take time to focus, align, communicate our needs, and hold ourselves accountable, ego gets in the way of success.
Fortunately, Christie Garcia is here to explain the upside to ego and the 6 Pillars of ego management.
You do not want to miss this deep dive into ego and how you can lead a successful, drama-free team!
Mentioned in this episode:
Transcript
Christie Garcia: Let all your followers see that it’s okay to make mistakes because the only way to fix them is to take ownership. Once you take ownership now you can change it.
Voiceover: You’re listening to the Build a Vibrant Culture podcast with professional speaker, coach and consultant Nicole Greer.
Nicole: Hey, welcome everybody to the Build a Vibrant Culture podcast. My name is Nicole Greer and I am absolutely delighted to be here with you today. It is a beautiful sunny day in North Carolina and I have somebody from sunny California on the line. I’m so excited to have Christie Garcia. Let me tell you all about her. She is a leadership coach, a speaker, a facilitator and the founder of Mindful Choice Leadership Academy, you might want to write that down. And she has 18 years of experience in sales, recruiting and coaching. It’s almost like my long lost sister. And from the last 10 years, she has worked with current and upcoming leaders from fast growing organizations including Airbnb. I’m curious, do you think she gets free, she gets free stays? I don’t know.
Christie: I wish!
Nicole: Twitter. I wish too, but if you do, let me know if you need an extra coach. I’m willing. She’s also worked with folks at Movement for Life and Sunrun. One of Christie’s superpowers don’t miss that is helping her clients manage their ego because I bet some of them have big egos, and build an authentic confidence so they can show up 100% in both business and life. Christie’s modern approach is designed to be simple. And don’t we all need that, little simplicity in this crazy world. And you just have to choose to be 1% better every day. Welcome to the podcast. Christie. I’m so delighted you’re here.
Christie: Thank you, Nicole. I’m so excited to visit with you and yeah, provide some good conversations for your audience.
Nicole: Okay, fantastic. All right. Well, first of all, Paso Robles. Did I say it right?
Christie: You did. Paso Robles. Yep.
Nicole: Okay. All right. So I don’t know. Just truth telling honesty and candor. I’ve had a bottle of wine from there before that I bought at the local grocery store. So yeah, so are their vineyards, like right outside your front door? What is going on in your in your environment? I got to know.
Christie: Yes, we have gosh, I think probably over 300 wineries within a 20 mile radius. It’s pretty incredible how saturated we are with grapes and great tasting rooms. And just the fun culture that comes with it. We’re, we’re kind of the, the southern end of, of Napa. So if you if you don’t want the high, high big wines from Napa Valley, come down to Paso Robles get more of the the Rhone varietals down here. It’s really awesome.
Nicole: That’s awesome. Okay, so everybody write that down. When you get out to the wineries call Christie, she will take care of you.
Christie: Yeah, let’s go get a glass of wine.
Nicole: It’s on my list. I’m putting it on the list. Okay. I have to get down to business here, though. So you know, my first question always out of the gate is, what is your definition of leadership? I’m kind of collecting definitions and playing with this little research kind of I’m doing. So what’s your definition of leadership?
Christie: On the simple level, leadership to me, is someone that gets to show up, speak their integrity, hold their truth, and inspire others to do the same. You know, it’s, it doesn’t have to be this fancy role, this big title, all this pressure. If you’re doing your best, and you’re showing up with integrity, you’re managing your ego, you’re naturally going to inspire and empower others to do the same. And I think that’s really what great leadership and what our world needs right now.
Nicole: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. Yeah. And I think our leaders are experiencing all sorts of new things that they never would have dreamt that they would be experiencing. First of all, we have this crazy thing called Corona running around. I have just talked to so many people like, Nicole, we need people, we can’t find people to work, the great resignation is going on. And so we just got a really weird dynamic environment out there. So those two things are obvious, but what’s maybe one of the more unobvious things that leaders struggle with in your, in your mind?
Christie: You know, I think all those things. It’s all the obvious things that trigger our unconscious reactions. And that’s really the the area that I focus on with leaders is what are those unconscious behaviors, beliefs, mindsets? How do we show up when we’re unconsciously going through the motions, which is 95% of the day because we’re just, you know, checking boxes, doing what we need to do going through our task list just to get through our day. We’re all in pure survival mode most of the time, right. And so, being able to focus in on the little things, the things we’re not even aware of to manage that back is really for me the game changer. I like to again call it ego management.
And as far as the ego goes, we all have one, this isn’t the loud, arrogant guy that’s sitting in the room. This is actually, every single one of us sitting in the room, they all look different. But it’s the unconscious behaviors, mindsets and beliefs that basically have us react unconsciously to everyday circumstances, conversations, tasks, and pressure. You know, the ego is driven by stress, emotion, change, a known instability, all the things we have been dealing with a lot the last few years. So the egos are just going rampid in everybody’s world and see, they’re creating a lot of procrastination, exhaustion, burnout, and just that over driver is having to kick in gear full time.
Nicole: Yeah. So I think you did define ego, but I want to slow us down just for a second so that maybe we can make sure, you know, and I think ego, it’s a huge concept. But maybe we don’t really understand like what it is. I mean, I remember back in psychology class, we learned about our egos. So tell me, what is your definition of ego, just so we can kind of foundationally lay that out. And then I want to get into the behaviors, mindsets and beliefs, you have that little little phrase down, pat. So that must be a little interesting place, we need to go.
Christie: Yeah, so the ego to me is just our unconscious brain. It is the one that’s designed from age two. That’s a random number. But you know, back from when we were a small child, to really, um, it was designed to protect us. It’s how we got to where we’re at, it’s how we became successful, both our strengths and our weaknesses. Unfortunately, as we get older, it’s, you know, been driven by the I. I win I must be right, I must be liked.
Once we get into leadership roles, we get married, we have children, we start to be a team player, you really have to shift to the we. And that’s that’s where most people struggle, because the ego is natural. It’s the unconscious part of our brain that kicks in when we’re not intentionally running our brain. And so if you’re not aware of it, then typically sabotages good intentions, conversations, ideas, decisions, actions.
Nicole: Yeah. So when you said that part about it sabotages, I kind of got that image. So I’m going to date myself right here. But for all you young listeners are used to be this cartoon called Jerry. It was the mouse and the cat.
Christie: Tom and Jerry?
Nicole: Tom and Jerry! I wanted to say Ben and Jerry’s. I think I need ice cream.
Christie: Right? You need some chocolate ice cream.
Nicole: Okay, so I need chocolate ice cream. And there was Tom and Jerry. So there, and there was always this little image of like a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder. So would you label the ego that? Is that the ego, the angel and the devil or just the devil? Or what do you think about that?
Christie: Similar, so how I use it is there’s three egos. There’s the complier, the protector and the controller, and they pull out our good, bad or ugly. And so when we start to overuse our egos, and we cross over that threshold, I say about the 33% is when we cross over that line, that’s when we start to overuse our strengths. It’s when we start to overuse the benefits of that ego. And it starts to hold us back. It starts to be the I. I must protect myself, I must isolate. Someone else is to blame. You start judging, maybe you gossip, maybe you withhold the truth, because you don’t want to upset anybody or rock the boat.
Maybe you’re the one that has to be right. And so you get very confrontational or difficult to communicate with. Or you struggle to collaborate so you just are that freight train that runs, you know, everybody over and doesn’t let anybody on the bus because you’re moving too fast. And so, you know, it’s, it’s nothing real major, it’s just figuring out when are you overusing it. Every single one of us has an angel and a devil on our shoulder, every single one of us has our center and you know, when you use all three, that’s really when we’re our best self. The complier, the complier ego, it’s the one that’s it’s people driven, it’s caring, thoughtful, kind. It is motivated by being liked and making sure people are taking care of.
Unfortunately, the dark side of the complier ego is that you go along to get along. You might not speak your truth when you’re upset. You get passive, so you take, you take, you take you take until you can’t then you explode. So now your passive aggressive, you know. Being able to recognize when are you not speaking up and holding your integrity to try to put someone else’s feelings, needs or wants first. That’s all part of the egos tactic for the complier. For the protector, it’s the opposite. The protector is the integrity for all of us. It’s where our core values live. It’s where our confidence lives. It’s where we do what’s right and we take care of the greater community versus just ourselves.
So it’s the selfless, selfless leader. But when we overuse that it’s very extreme. It’s black and white because our values are held there, it’s either we do this or we don’t. And so we come off very stubborn. We can be, we’ve created boundaries in place, we actually, our protector, the one that cares deeply about a lot of, or about very few things, or very few people, even though they care about the greater good of everyone, but they love really hard. And so they kind of isolate and compartmentalize their world. So this group gets to know this thing. And this group gets to know this thing. But they have a lot of boundaries and barriers and restrictions, which can make them very unrelatable. Or feel very extreme and isolated.
And then you’ve got your, the one thing about the protector though, that that is where all of our authentic competence comes from. So it’s where our biggest insecurities come from, and where our biggest confidence. So knowing how to balance that is really where that grounded leader comes from. It’s the cool, calm and collected side of us. And then the controller is the one that is focused on results. They have to, you know, be the best and win and get to the finish line first, and so very competitive. That’s a great skill, it’s got it’s where ambition and passion and drive lives. It’s where we motivate and empower people.
Unfortunately, when we overuse that energy, it can come across again, as kind of the perfectionist. They never have anything go wrong, because they’re always good. And, you know, they show up and they’ve got good energy and they got good, positive things to say. So you never hear about kind of their their struggles. And that’s really where people relate to leaders is on the struggle side of things to normalize someone’s rougher path. And so making sure that people are at the finish line with them is their struggle. Collaborating, teamwork. A lot of times the micromanager lives in the controller.
Nicole: Fascinating. Okay, so I just want to repeat back what what she said in terms of, there’s three parts, the complier, the protector and the controller. Okay, and so, the complier, I don’t think I have a lot of that one. I think I’m more in the controller category. So so when I thought about that, I’m like, oh, do you have more, one more than the other, or use more? One more than the other? Is that where personality comes in?
Christie: Absolutely. We typically have one to two dominant. Yeah, but you usually have one to two dominant egos. And typically, you know, as we get older, we we kind of can go back and forth, right? Our world is all about lessons and trial and errors. And as we maybe step into a role, let’s say you’re a controller, and you realize that, oh, micromanaging isn’t getting me what I want. And so you start to overuse your compiler. So you under use your controller, now you overuse your compiler. Or vice versa, maybe you’re wanting to get a promotion, and no one’s listening to you.
And so you start to overuse your controller and under use your compiler. And so it is finding that dance, and most of us have both. And one thing with compiler controllers is that it becomes that Jekyll and Hyde those are if we had to put a visual, the controller is probably the unemotional, you know, person that’s all task driven. So they would probably have more of the devil on their shoulder, even though they’re really good people. It has nothing to do with their character, it’s more of just those unconscious behaviors are tend to be task first people second, where the complier would be more of that age and right the people first task second.
So they the struggles of the complier is feedback decisions, hardcore results. And so it’s not that they set that neither of them can’t do the other. They just takes a little more effort and work, you have to consciously jump into that role to say, hey, I’m going to actually slow down and ask this person how they’re doing today versus just jumping into the meeting. Or for the complier, I’m going to stop asking how they’re doing today. And just jump into the tasks. And so it’s finding that balance for each person.
Nicole: Yeah, I’m hearing that loud and clear. So it’s like each one of the parts of the ego has its place. You just like like, as you said, we don’t want it to become overdone. Alright, yeah. So how do you help a leader see? Or how does one recognize I’m overdone there. Like, it’s a little blind spot, as I like to say, right? So how do you how do you help? Or how could a leader help themselves catch themselves being over done, not in balance?
Christie: That’s such a great question. You know, the leadership academy that we’ve designed is all about six pillars. The first two pillars is really where we focus a lot of attention. That’s about the first three to four weeks and you know, you can do this on your own as well but it’s all about self awareness and ownership. Self awareness, you have to be aware of what you do before you can change it right. And so, step one is self awareness. And you the problem again, is our brain naturally wants to be unconscious, we naturally get busy and that ego keeps us unconscious, so that we’re just going through the motions and we’re kind of sabotaging things that we say we want.
And so it takes conscious effort for you to stop multiple times a day and say, hey, is this my best self decision? Am I doing what I need to be doing? Easy way to get to that place is after everything you do. Every interaction for a week, I challenge you to just stop and say, what was my impact there? What was my part the last time something went wrong? Like, a lot of times what happens is the ego wants to blame someone else when there’s a struggle, blame someone else when there’s a confrontation, blame someone else when something’s not going as planned. And the reality is, we all play a role. Let’s take COVID for example, we all play a role in how COVID going on whether you agree with it, or you don’t read, it doesn’t matter. We all play a role in how COVID is playing out in the world right now.
Whether it’s 1%, or 99%, we’re playing a role in how this is impacting our communities, our families, our friends and our world. Right, wrong or indifferent. And so being able to just stop and say, hey, what is my part? And am I okay with my part? Is that part coming from a conscious place and an intentional place? Or am I just going along to get along? Or am I trying to control, or am I trying to be right? And now by being just asking yourself those questions, you become naturally more aware. And you get to say, Hmm, that wasn’t my best self. Maybe I should do this next time. And so again, it goes back to that self awareness and perspective. So getting curious is one. Two is the ownership part. Once you take ownership, now you can change it.
Just because you’re aware something happens a lot of times think about, again, the last time you got in an argument or confrontation, you might say, oh, yeah, I did that. But you’re not really owning it. Right? The ego is writing it off as like, it was no big deal, or we just we forget that it happened and we move on. And so again, it’s the ownership component, that’s actually saying, hey, no, I was a jerk, I need to say sorry for that. Or whoa, I dropped the ball, I got to take ownership and say, I dropped the ball, I’m going to pick it back up, and I apologize for the inconvenience is created. But again, it’s kind of dropping that pride and allowing yourself to be real and not be perfect. And let all your followers see that it’s okay to make mistakes, as the only way to fix them is to take ownership.
Nicole: Fantastic. Alright, so that’s pillar one and pillar two. First one is self awareness. Get curious about what’s going on now. We’re both coaches, both Christie and I are coaches, and we love this thing called powerful questions. Okay. And all leaders need to be really good at asking questions. And so I literally, I don’t know about you, Christie, but I literally like if I find your question, I’m like, oh, my goodness, that is that is a bar of gold laying right there. I’m gonna pick it up, put it in my pocket.
She laid down two for you. And I don’t want you to miss them. She said what was my impact there as a as a point of figuring out what my responsibility is. So like, she said, you know, sitting down and going, what was my impact, like, even after a meeting or after an interaction with an employee or with your kid, right? And then another one, she said is what what is my part to play? Oh, I love that. I’m putting that on the master powerful question list. So thank you Christie Garcia.
Christie: Yes, and you know, to piggyback on your impact, because I want to make sure people understand. A lot of times you hear I’m sure, as a coach, or just as a person, in general, we hear well, that wasn’t my impact, or my intention, I mean. And the reality is, you’re making an impact whether you intentionally tried to or not. And so having a mindful ability to choose your action, which is where mindful choice came from to begin with, is now you’re intentionally creating your impact as a leader, as a parent, as a spouse, as a friend, as a person in the community, and in the world. And you just get to show up with more integrity. It has nothing to do with looking for validation permission or approval, you’re just intentionally creating your impact instead of just letting the ego run rampant, and create it for you and hoping that it lands the way you want it to.
Nicole: I love it, I love it. So impact, you know, being super intentional and don’t miss this. She said, that’s where Mindful Choice came from. And that is the name of her company. So go to www.mindfulchoicecoaching.com to check out more of this, however, we’re going to press on. We have one, self awareness. And then the next thing is like you own it, right? Like, oh, I made the mistake, or oh, I tend to get over done right here. So please help me not, you know, fall off the edge.
Christie: Yes, all that good, bad and ugly.
Nicole: That’s right. That’s right. So what is pillar number three? What is pillar number three?
Christie: Pillar number three is ego management. Once you are fully aware of self awareness and ownership, now you can actually manage your ego, because the ego is the one that’s driving these motivators. When you start learning around what you do, you know, to really take ownership, you have to know why you do it. Why did you, you know, react the way you did when your employee didn’t turn that thing in on time? Why did you react when someone walked into the meeting five minutes late. Why did you react that way, when your kids didn’t tie their shoe and you had to get out the door, you know, in four minutes. Those are all unconscious behaviors that we do.
But if you don’t know why you’re reacting to it the way you do, good, bad or ugly, then you don’t have the ability to change it. And those motivators, those belief systems, those mindsets are really the ultimate thing that we’re unconscious of. And it is driving our leadership, it’s driving our decisions. It’s driving our actions. And so once we know all that, now you can start to manage it. Now you get to, in that moment, going back to that word, curiosity and questions, being able to get curious once you recognize that the ego is in the room. And again, if there’s one ego, there are many more because as soon as there’s one that shows up, everybody’s going to react unconsciously to that, because it is a triggering effect.
That’s what it wants to do is create more unnecessary drama in your daily decisions, actions and choices. And so you know, being able to just stop and say, okay, hey, we’re all falling, you know, into this ego pattern, how do we step out of it? Number one, you have to slow down, you have to slow down and really get curious. And then you start asking questions, why does this matter? Why does it matter to me? Why does it matter to the group? Why? Why are people reacting the way they are, and you have to step out of your own.
Remember, the I, or the ego is focused on I. I win, I must be right, I must be liked. And usually we get defensive when someone is jeopardizing our ability to get to the finish line first. And so being able to slow down long enough to say, hey, this isn’t about me, why does this matter to the company? Why does this matter to the team? Why does it matter to the family? Why does it matter to our customers, and now it’s no longer about you so the emotion gets removed, and you’re able to come with an intentional response instead of that unintentional reaction.
Nicole: I love it. I love it. Okay, so pillar number three, ego management, I do this thing, Christie, where I kind of repeat.
Christie: It’s really great. I love it, actually.
Nicole: I think people are on the treadmill, lifting weights, driving the car and cooking their dinner. And they just, you know, what did she say? I don’t want to miss that. So the third pillar is ego management. And so the first thing is to slow down and actually, I think what do ego management. Like this is this is a leadership a to do list thing, right? I have to put in place. And then I love what you said, is to ask yourself, why does this matter? Because nobody’s gonna do anything if they don’t get their why straight? Am I right?
Christie: Absolutely. So true. Yep.
Nicole: And she said, you know, focus on somebody other than yourself, because the ego is all about self. So why does it matter to the customer, to the team, to the organization as a whole, etc. So I love that. Why does it matter? And then I’m gonna go back to where you’ve mentioned this three times now. So listen up, folks, this is important. I, to we. That’s the third time you said that. So I to we. So it’s not just all about me. It’s about the greater good. The greater whole. The great formation to create your strategy, etcetera, right. Okay. Fantastic. All right. So what is pillar number four?
Christie: Pillar number four, productive communication. This is where the magic starts to happen. When we can start to manage our own ego, we start to learn how to communicate so everyone else’s ego can hear the message we’re trying to make. Most of the time when we’re only communicating from our own ego. We’re talking from our own perspective. So controllers talk about tasks. Get to the finish line. You’ve got protectors who want logic and facts. And you know that black and white give me tangibles, and they’re very extreme with their energies, they don’t hear that. And then you’ve got the compiler who is will tell me why this matters to the people.
And so if you’re not talking a language where everybody can hear, that’s what typically leads to miscommunication or that that wasn’t my intention. Well, that’s not really what I meant by that. We hear those statements all the time when we’re communicating with people. And that’s because we’re talking from a different language. So being able to teach people how to talk to all three egos. So whenever you’re in a room, you know how to make sure everybody hears you, which leads to the next two pillars that alignment and accountability. Once you can talk a language you can now align people because you’re playing on the same team. You know, people have good intentions, you’re not making someone else the enemy because the ego says they’re bad.
Nicole: That’s fantastic. Okay. So the compliers speak in a language that is how is this going to affect the people. Did I get that I get that right? And then the controllers are all about the tasks and then, hold on I’m almost there, the protectors are talking about the tangibles. Did I get that I get all that right?
Christie: Yeah, and I would even clarify a little bit so they the protectors are fact driven. So that black and white, give me logic, give me facts, give me studies, give me numbers. Tell me why this actually is factual. And then the controller is not just task but how to get there fast. Like how do I get to the finish line first to win?
Nicole: Okay, fantastic. Fantastic. All right. And I want to go back. Whenever I get like a little like, I don’t know something goes off in my brain. I don’t know we got like a light bulb. I wanna gonna go back. One thing you said earlier about the productive communication is you said, if you’re not speaking to all three of these, you know, bringing the black and white, bringing the task and bringing the people part to it, you get drama. And like, hello, leaders listening. How many of you all love drama? Like you’re like why do we have all this drama? I just want to get stuff done. Okay. So done and drama, like you could put them on opposite sides and say in the middle.
Christie: Exactly. Unproductivity is right there in the middle.
Nicole: Yeah, I think another interesting thing you said is if, if Nicole is the leader, and my ego is triggered, and I think that I’m kind of the controller, or that I think I’m thinking I’m that person.
Christie: That’s not horrible. You have great strengths, we need controllers in the world.
Nicole: That’s right. That’s exactly right. But then all of a sudden, I get triggered by that you said all the other ones get triggered? And so I’m so curious about that. How does that happen? Why does that happen? And maybe like, tell us a story, paint a picture about what that might look like in a meeting or something.
Christie: It happens all the time. You know, like, I always say, the ego loves drama, it loves the human side of the world and turning it into a mess. And when we can learn to manage that, and pull those egos out, there’s just a lot less drama. So the like a perfect example for a controller who creates more drama. Unintentional drama, by the way, this isn’t never intentional drama, no one intentionally creates drama. If I talk to any one of my clients, they’ll sit down, the first thing out of their mouth is like, I hate drama. Everybody hates drama. But it doesn’t mean we don’t unintentionally create it.
So an example that you might experience. You’re sitting in a room in a board meeting, and everybody’s in alliance, everybody’s talking, everybody’s agreeing, you come up with a plan, you walk out of the room, all of a sudden, let’s say three hours later, you get an email, it says, hey, brakes, I don’t really like the way this is going. I think we need to put brakes on. That happens all the time. And usually, because what happens, a controller or protector is running the meeting. They think they’re collaborating, and not a lot of permission is given to the compiler or the protector in the room. And so everybody’s kind of just ingredients, or the compilers like yeah, yeah, that’s fine.
Because that’s how they communicate, I go along, get along, I don’t want to rock the boat, avoid conflict. Where so they leave. And now what happens, typically, what a compiler will do is they’ll walk out into another room, and they’ll start venting. I really don’t like this. Can you believe they said that? Oh, my gosh, what are we going to do? And now those troops are rallied. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don’t like that either. And so now you got five people who don’t like the plan, who agreed to the plan. But now we got to change the plan. Right. And so that happens all the time. You’re laughing because, you know, right?
Nicole: Our listeners are having like deja vu. Friday, Thursday, that happened.
Christie: Once an hour, every time you’re in a meeting. Yeah. These days. Yeah, it happens. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s just recognizing simple things can be put in that situation to help manage the egos to give people permission to have a space. Now, ego management doesn’t happen overnight. And it’s not perfect. And it’s always gonna show up. So it does take training to learn how to manage your own ego, as a leader. So you can truly learn and get permission in a room for people to show up. I always tell people, you know, we can, we can change policies all day, we can change rules all day, we can put all kinds of diversity laws in place.
But the reality is, if people don’t believe that they deserve a seat at the table, you can give a seat all day, they’re still not going to show up when they’re there. And so teaching people how to manage their ego, so they’re confident in their seat, they know that they offer value, and then you allow and you give them permission in that setting, to say, hey, I want everybody to write down three ideas. And then let’s talk about it, or let’s throw everything on the board before we stick to one, whatever it is, but people think collaboration like that is a waste of time.
Well, the three hours of drama that you’re having to clean up is taking a lot longer than if you took 15 minutes to do a brain session. You know, and so I think that’s where recognizing that the ego wants to isolate. The ego wants you to stay in control or stay passive. And being able to pull out of that and, you know, come together right at the beginning. We’re all on the same team. We all are in this together. If we clear up the drama now and all the questions and all the concerns and all the things that will surface, now we can just productively move forward when the meeting is over.
Nicole: Yeah. So I say this thing, and one of the speeches that I give, I say, you know, you’ll have a meeting and you say, are there any questions? Everyone’s like, no, no, we’re all good. Yeah, right. Yeah. And then everybody goes down the hall and has what I call the meeting after the meeting.
Christie: Yeah, because another meeting has to get set up to talk about the meeting after meeting after the meeting. Yeah.
Nicole: And that meeting after the meeting is like, where they’re like, did you understand what Christie was saying about that? No I had no idea. She asked you if you had a question, and you didn’t bring it up, but you know, I don’t know who that is, you know, if that’s the, let’s see, let me look at my list, I’m learning from you, the complier, the protector or the controller, or all three of them, you know.
Christie: It can be all three, I mean, that’s the thing is, our ego reacts based on the person that’s running the meetings, right, if you have a leader who naturally is a controller, even if you’re a controller, you’re most likely going to fall into a complier. Or protector, that’s going to be more passive, just because of hierarchy, right? Or you have a controller that just not gonna stay on your team long, because they’re going to do this all day. So you know, it just kind of depends on who the leader is and what their tactics are, we typically fall to one that’s less dominant when someone else is more dominant. Or if you have a complier leader, this might actually happen, a complier leader will stand and facilitate a meeting. And if they have a bunch of controllers, which a lot of times happens, we hire the opposite, we date the opposite, we marry the opposite, because it fills our gaps. Right?
Nicole: You should meet David Greer, he’s the opposite. Absolutely.
Christie: Absolutely. He’s your, he balances everything wonderful about you out. Yep. And, you know, I think that’s the thing is, it’s a great thing to have a diverse team like that. But the problem is, is when you don’t align, then you all do this, right. And so being able to recognize that a complier leader who’s in front of the room, if they have a bunch of controller protectors at the table, they’re going to actually run over that leader and say, we want to do this. Leader is gonna go back to their boss, boss says wait, that wasn’t the plan. You’re like, oh, oops. So then he has to still have another meeting, because now he over promised to his team, that’s not gonna work. And you have to clean that mess up. So it kind of works both ways. And there’s miscommunication from each perspective, it just depends on which perspective we’re talking about.
Nicole: All right, Christie. So fantastic. We’ve gotten through one through four. And so you mentioned five and six, which is alignment and accountability. So let’s do a little deeper dive into alignment. And then we’ll do accountability. This is fantastic. If you think this isn’t fantastic, but you’re getting the download from. Again, you need to go visit Christie, I you know, I’m sitting here thinking every team needs training on this before the next meeting. That’s what I’m thinking. And so you need to go to www.mindfulchoicecoaching.com, and that’s where you could get signed up. Okay. All right.
Christie: I love it so much. Thank you.
Nicole: Yeah, of course. Yeah. Let’s talk about number five, number five alignment. So I’ve got productive communication going on, I understand what I need to say. So I cover all my bases don’t have any meetings after the meeting. What happens with alignment?
Christie: So alignment and accountability, these are my two favorite, right? This is when we start to just be more productive and more effective and more efficient. So alignment is getting everybody on the same page. A lot of times the ego, well, let’s just say the ego hates alignment. It hates being a team member, it hates having, you know, people that you have to rely on and count on. You’re a lone ranger, you can do it all yourself, you don’t need nobody. And so you know, being able to recognize that and get to this place of alignment. It allows leaders to hold people more accountable and allows people to help delegate and strengthen and coach their team members.
It allows people to hire the right people, for goodness sakes. And to trust that you have the good people, you know, you as a coach, you probably hear often, I know I do. Well, they’re just not the right fit for the team. That is true sometimes. I will say that sometimes more of an ego excuse of why I can’t work with this person, and why they’re not getting better. A lot of times what happens is the ego will set expectations that are unrealistic. And so instead of recognizing that maybe that was a training issue on your part, as a leader, instead, it becomes oh, they just they don’t know how to do their job. Well, most of the time, we have expectations that someone should come to you fully trained and know exactly how you want something done. Even if they have 20 years experience, they still didn’t get taught by you. Your way and how to do it.
And so recognizing that that’s a gap. So alignment really teaches people how to just keep everybody on the same team, how to make sure you’re not making someone wrong or bad for screwing up but actually teaching, training and coaching them and helping them get to the finish line with you. One of the easiest ways to do that is staying connected to those bigger outcomes. When we are ego driven, we talk problems. There’s a fire drill, we fix the problem as quickly as possible and move on to the next problem. That’s everybody’s pattern. Every single day, every single moment. From home you wake up you look at your emails, first question you say what’s the fire drills I have to fix right.
And there’s a million of them. There’s never there’s never an empty inbox. Let’s just be real. And so being able to stop the fire drill reaction, which is, you know, there’s a problem, you fix it. And that’s usually through drama or, you know, miscommunication, all that fun stuff. And then there’s a solution but it’s more of a bandaid fix, which is what we’re seeing a lot in our world right now. A lot of bandaid fix, let’s not talk about the real issue. But let’s just talk about the symptom. Where when you start to focus on the outcome, this is where alignment comes from. This is where it doesn’t matter how different your perspectives are, you can align around an outcome because I guarantee everybody wants to get to finish line, I guarantee everybody wants to be successful and happy, I guarantee everybody wants to, you know, enjoy going to their job every day and like the people they work with.
So those are things we can all align around. And when we can start to talk about the task in an outcome format. So now we have a problem that arises, what’s the outcome we want to accomplish? Now we can figure out that outcome. And now there’s passion and you know, excitement and the desire to want to fix it, which is what creates that engagement again, and now everybody’s responsible for their part, and you start to get the buy in. And so there’s accountability, and people can rally around that, even if they don’t love how to get there. They can still align on the outcome. And I think that’s the thing we all have to remember. It doesn’t matter how we get there. If we get to that outcome, then amen. Let’s do it. And let’s do it together.
Nicole: Yeah, preach sister, preach! So alignment is all about moving from a problem mindset, fire drill mindset to an outcome, bigger perspective outcome. And once you do that, you get people’s passion, and then everybody can get behind it. Yeah. So I know that you learned this in your coach training, just like I did. You know, that the whole thing a leader is trying to do is take people around the feeling scale, somehow or another, right? They’re either going to take you up the feeling scale, you’re excited, this could bring you joy, happiness, you know, pleasure, right? Or I’m gonna scare you a little bit and say, if don’t fit, all of these things are going to happen. And I think, you know, the outcome is always a better future. For all of us.
Christie: Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah. Right. Let’s create some stability for all of us. Yeah, yeah.
Nicole: Don’t forget, that also ties right in with going from I to we. We can do this and get the bigger outcome for everybody. Everybody wins. Okay. So you just like tapped it on the shoulder accountability. Once we have alignment, then we start to get accountability. But go little, just a wee bit deeper into it. Pillar number six people, if you’re keeping up, pillar number six. What is it? Tell us about it.
Christie: Accountability. It’s, it’s doing the hard thing when no one’s looking. Right? This is integrity. This is where integrity lives. It’s holding yourself accountable as a leader to make sure you are doing everything in your part to make sure your people are successful. And it’s holding everybody else accountable to showing up and delivering what they signed up for to do for you. Right. And so I think this is where we fall short in the accountability scale in our world. A lot of people don’t hold themselves accountable, let alone being able to hold someone else accountable. Or we’re hypocritical and we hold people accountable for this on them. But then I can break the rules and do this, right? Example.
How many times do you tell people don’t text and drive and just when you’re on the freeway, and maybe you’re not driving real fast, and you just do a quick peek. No big deal. No one saw. Again, it’s what are what are the things you’re doing when no one’s looking. Because if you’re doing when no one’s looking, you’re definitely doing hypocritical things when people are looking. And that’s an unconscious connection. And so, you know, ego management, once you learn to manage your ego, and you recognize those unconscious things you do, you’re now able to hold yourself to a different level of accountability.
You can still do those things. I always get asked about week three or four of the program, people are like, it’s hard to be my best self all the time. It is. It’s hard and you have sometimes you just don’t want to be and that’s okay. But being mindful about it. It’s different, right? You get to choose to be a jerk. There’s a time, just this last weekend, I chose to just be in my pouty, you know, moment of self and I just needed to have a moment by myself. Tell my husband, I need you. I know. I just need to have my moment. Because I was grumpy.
Nicole: Tell your husband, red wine. Right now.
Christie: Exactly. Give me a bottle. Um, no. And so you know, I think that’s the thing, though, is when you intentionally choose to be grumpy or mean or not your best self. Like at least you’re intentionally choosing that. The nice thing is your best self doesn’t let you live there very long. So when you’re conscious about it, you just don’t stay there as long and the ego doesn’t go away. So your worst self is always going to show up. But does your worst self stick around for five hours, five days, five years? Or can you manage it in five minutes and say, okay, I had my moment now I need to apologize and show up as my best self and hold my integrity and encourage everyone else to do the same. That’s accountability.
Nicole: Yeah. And I think what you’re saying is, you know, like leaders have to go first. And you can’t use other people’s behaviors as an excuse. You have to just worry, you know, this is the part where you do need to do I. I think on account number six, you might revert back to I but in that healthy place, how can I manage myself in the highest and best to be my best self? So that I provide an example so that we are a good example to others. Right. So I think that that’s really huge, yeah. And I, okay, this might be a ridiculous question.
Christie: I doubt it.
Nicole: I’m gonna let my ego like, go play in the traffic right now. Do they have Chick fil A in California?
Christie: You know, they do you actually this is fairly new, I think in just the last couple years. Yeah.
Nicole: Oh, okay. Because because that is an organization that I think does a fantastic job at building this six pillar thing. And I don’t know what their recipe is. But like, first of all, I think they have some self awareness because people really own their role at Chic fil A. And this is a great example because it hello is fast food. And they have very productive communication. And they I mean, like I have I have never had poor service at Chick fil A. Ever. And here in North Carolina, I don’t know if you’ve been to one Christie. But here in North Carolina, at lunch, they have like orange cones, two things around the building. Because you can’t, and then they get you through this ridiculous crazy line.
Christie: It’s crazy isn’t it?
Nicole: Like five minutes? It is mind blowing. But I think it’s really they’ve worked so hard at certain things that they’ve gotten to this accountability place. Like, we just provide really good service. That’s what we do.
Christie: Yeah. And and I think it goes back to that accountability. Everybody has a role there. It’s a lot like the In and Out model here in California. Yeah, they, I mean, same exact thing. You see all these kids, you know, these kids that people say, oh, they don’t have a work ethic, and you go into an In and Out, there’s about 15 kids work in this line. And like you said, is is just a system. Everybody’s got a role. Everybody’s got a job, everyone’s got smile, there’s fun energy. And you know, it does, it comes back to the leadership. When you, when people know what to do they have, they know their expectations, right. Like, as a coach, that is one of the biggest things that we always find a gap in is people don’t know what they’re expected to do. People don’t know what their role is.
And so that creates a lot of confusion, a lot of unknowns, a lot of instability and unhappiness. When people know exactly what they need to do when they need to do it, how they need to do it, they show up, it’s like, great, that’s my part. And then they know why that’s important to the greater good. Now they’re valuable. And I think that’s that kind of alignment accountability dance is when you put the why a lot of times people you know, will complain about a team member who just, they’re the last to get their numbers in for, you know, the sales report or whatever.
And it’s like, well, have you told them how that’s impacting you? Because that’s an unconscious behavior, when someone is lacking, you know, just lacking on time management, that’s something they’re not fully aware of, or they don’t know how to solve it. And so being able to say, hey, you know, what, when you give me this five minutes before, it actually holds up everything, or I have to work three hours later at work, right? No one wants to make someone, no one wants to be that impact, right?
Again, it goes back to that unconscious impact. And so I think when we start to really remind people their value, why their role is important, even if it seems small and miniscule, to the bigger organization, with if there’s a role there, that means it’s important to make the whole thing work. And so really helping people understand that they’re part of this bigger cause part of a bigger we. And each I has to show up fully as their best self for that we to be incredibly successful.
Nicole: I love that. And earlier, I wrote this down, I didn’t get the question asked, but I will interject it here because you you said it again. And so you know, that’s when we have to, like pull it out and make people look at it. You know, I have a lot of leaders that, you know, are have angst. And dare I say this maybe even are like, complaining to me. They’re like, I don’t know, what’s up. Why don’t people think the way I think? And, you know, I was interviewing somebody the other day, they’re like, I would never want people to think the way I think.
And I was like, wait, hold on. I don’t mean like groupthink. And I don’t mean this complier thinking that you’re talking about. I mean, like, you know, people don’t know what you want them to do, unless you vocalize it. You know, I mean, people are mind readers, you know, and if you don’t set expectations, it’s really, really huge. And so leaders have to slow their jets. And they need to say, when somebody you’re done talking to somebody at the drive thru window, you say it’s been my pleasure. It’s not optional.
Christie: Absolutely. Like that is a requirement of your job.
Nicole: Any questions about not optional, because I’m you know, but please don’t have a meeting after the meeting to talk about whether it’s optional or not.
Christie: That is hilarious. I love that so much. You know, that is so it is so common to hear that. I mean, like you said, as a coach, you hear all those unconscious comments that people make. And that’s one of them. You know, why don’t they just take initiative? Well, what do you want to take initiative on? Well, just anything. And it’s like a lot of times what happens with leaders, our egos don’t know how to communicate what’s in our head, we just know what we don’t like. And so teaching yourself how to communicate what’s actually the thing is that you want them to do, for example, I had a client, and they run a construction organization, he would always say, gosh, I just wish they would take initiative.
You know, I walk in here and I see a million things that need to get done. Like, well, let’s write that stuff down. Because no one knows that that stuff needs to get done, because no one loves your business as much as you do. And so you know, being able to translate that, oh, when I walk in this gate, and here’s the trick, actually, for leaders. So you’re not feeling like you’re telling people what to do and becoming that micromanager, say, oh, you have to do this, this and this. And this isn’t optional.
Try, hey, meet me at the fence or at the gate for this example, meet me there at six o’clock tomorrow, I want you to walk through my day with me. And instead of you walking in there, and you looking at this without telling anybody, you say hey, what do you see, tell me how you’re going to plan your day from this moment. And let them tell you. Most likely their brain is blank. It’s like, I just need to get to my desk and see what the inbox looks like. And I’ll start there. Where as a business owner, or manager or a leader, you see it differently, because you’ve already thought about it for a whole hour before you even got to the office to say this needs to happen. And you have this conversation, this has to, you know, take place.
And so being able to say, okay, well I see that these these three trucks need to be washed immediately before they can even leave the instruction site. And this one needs to get a cone on it because it doesn’t have one and this one. And so being able to walk through that thought process helps your team member, especially the ones that are working directly underneath you how to think like you. It’s not that you want them to be your mini me. But they have to learn that bigger picture so they can elevate into leadership themselves. Otherwise, we just are creating a bunch of doers and task driven people that are checking boxes, because that’s all you ask them to do. You have to elevate their thinking by elevating your own thinking to then communicate it.
Nicole: Yeah, that was really good. Rewind right there. Is that a thing? Do we rewind, take your mouse hover it over and slide it backwards? I don’t know what that like.
Christie: It’s like the dial phone. There’s no emoji for that. You have to like, move it. For 30 seconds. You know, arrow?
Nicole: Yeah. And you know, I’m just gonna share this little thing. Because I think it goes very well with what you’re saying. What, my brain is going a million places. I got one. I’m gonna say this first. And then I’m say that. So here’s what I’m going to say first. Leaders, hello, leaders, you have a ton of experience that your people don’t have. And that’s why they can’t see or think the way you think. They have to be introduced to it. So that now they have they have the pathway to go down. Okay, so the first thing is, is don’t forget how much experience you have. And, you know, Christie, I never grow tired of doing these interviews and stuff. Like there are times where I’m like, do people really want to know about this, you know, because I already know the subject.
But it’s like, there’s a whole group of people that need to be taught, I mean, you need to build what Peter Senge called, you know, a learning organization. You got to teach, you got to teach, you got to teach. Okay, so the second thing I was gonna say is, I worked for a guy for a long time, his name was John Gray, and he would call us once a quarter. And he would say, and I was in property management used to run beautiful apartment communities, Christie. And, and it was a love hate relationship. Like, you lived where you worked, you know. But I loved all the people I leased departments to, and they were my friends and all that was great. Anyway, you know, it was very, you know, it was young, and it was fun.
Christie: I bet it was a lot of fun.
Nicole: It was. But he would call us and he’d say it, which first of all, don’t miss this. He’s the CEO. I think at one point, we had like 83 apartment communities. 83. And they were from, like, Delaware to Texas, or whatever it was, and he would call and he’d be like, I’m going to come out to your property, you know, on whatever, January 13. And I just want to let you know, I’m coming and I’m going to spend the day with you, we’re gonna walk around, we’re gonna look at stuff and I’ll be available if you need stuff, make me a list.
You know, I’m going to talk with your back then we called the maintenance men but now you call them supervisors or something like that, you know? The industry is so elevated from when I was there, but he’s like, and so, you know, I’ll take you to lunch. Tell Craig that was my, my maintenance guy. Well, I’m gonna take him to lunch, we’re gonna go to lunch, you guys pick a place. And then, you know, we’ll talk about what we want to do this quarter. And it was so conversational. And so like, easy. But here’s the thing. The guy is coming! So do you know how hard we worked?
Christie: The panic is real.
Nicole: We worked so hard the week before the 13th. Because, now this is this ego too Christie?Like, I want to do good. You want him to like me, I want him to be pleased with us until buddy, our ego I think our ego kicked in and buddy, we worked our, staying late picking up every cigarette butt in the parking lot. And, yeah. And and that was that was the best way because he would still find stuff. He’d be like, You know what I’d like y’all to do. Could you do this for me? We’d be like yes, we can. You know, so is that ego?
Christie: Yeah. Yeah. Those are all egos, you know, the ego of comfort. Let’s just go, so I’ll point out some of the ones that happen. None of these are bad. So I want to be very clear. None of these are bad. We all do them. They’re unconscious behaviors. And so again, it goes back to the more we recognize it, the more you’re going to realize you do it all day. You do it, I do it, everybody does it. Take ownership, you might as well own it. Everybody else around you sees it except for you. So you might as well own it. Um, so you know, you’ve got a let’s go back to the he calls a week before you guys go into crash course. Right?
And because if we go into the ego, you guys were in your comfort zone, I was like, it’s no big deal. Everything’s looks good, everything’s fine. On a day to day it was, oh, but if the boss is coming, it’s not up to par. Right. And so there was already lack of accountability, to hold the standard and the integrity of the place, whether it was a lot or whether it was a little probably not that big of a deal. But again, that’s what happens with everybody, right? Even our homes, when you go to sell your home help who paints and who cleans the gutters, and who does all this stuff, to put it on the market, right?
Where if we just got to enjoy that, because we did that regularly. Like, you could just get to enjoy your home, you don’t have to go into fast forward to make it someone else’s dream home when you leave. And so again, that’s that’s part of the ego. Comfort zone, we all get lazy in our comfort zone. Two, is his ego. He probably wasn’t aware that he put everybody into a panic. So if he just called say, hey, I’m really not worried about things, this is what I want, you know, these are the three things I want to communicate with you guys about and then the rest is just going to casual visit like no big deal.
Like it would probably kind of set some of that tone, and set you up for a little bit of what he was doing, where he might have been a protector controller that didn’t even realize he was looking for things. But he had an unspoken expectations that probably sent a report or things that needed to be fixed after he left every visit, right? Or things of that sort. That’s usually what happened.
Nicole: We had lists every time.
Christie: Yeah, absolutely. And so you know, I think recognizing as a leader, as a leader, there’s always expectations. So if you say I don’t really care, I’m not attached. We’re all attached to something. So even being attached to not being attached, you need to be okay with that, because you’re going to be attached to something when when things come up. And so just getting really again, curious and honest with yourself in that ego role there. And then the last one is I think, having that very casual conversation without guidance can also be we’ve all been in those meetings where it’s like, well, I don’t really know why they were here that was kind of unproductive.
And so again, being a little more formal as a leader in your conversations, so that there aren’t all of those questions or like, you know, it adds more value, like, make sure you’re adding value, when you interact with your team. Don’t just have a meeting, don’t just have a pop in visit, don’t just do this. No one really wants that. And it’s unproductive, because there’s always something that you can do, again, to improve yourself or to improve someone else. And it doesn’t have to be this big massive structure task.
But it can just be to where there’s purpose behind why you’re there. Because there is. You wouldn’t go if there wasn’t purpose. And if you’re just checking a box, then your ego is in that comfort zone as a leader going to check on your team. Well stop just checking on them and add value to their world, add value to their their day, figure out how you can help make their life easier and fix some of the struggles they’re having. If you’re just going to check on them. Does that make sense?
Nicole: Yeah, and I do want to clarify, I may not have said it, but he did. He did fix things for us. Like we would should you would show him we’d be like, do you see this? This is leaking. It’s beyond Craig’s level of expertise. Like we need a roofer out here, whatever, you know. He’d look at it and be like absolutely we do. He’d take pictures.Yeah. So he absolutely did that. And, and to be totally honest, I mean, I think that that built me what was I went my point was is I could see what he wanted. I could see his expertise. I saw things, but he never made me feel small.
Christie: That’s amazing. Those are great leaders.
Nicole: Yeah, you know how some leaders will should all over you. And like he never shoulded on us, he would be like, let me bring this to your attention, you know. So it was really, really good.
Christie: I love that so much. And that I think is a perfect example of great leadership, right? It doesn’t matter how you show up again, there’s no right or wrong way to be a leader. It’s just a matter of how are you making the person in front of you feeling? Are you encouraging and empowering and inspiring them to be better? And if you are, again, whatever that approach is, you’re leading, and you are making a difference.
Nicole: Yeah, that’s fantastic. All right. So you all listening are so stinking lucky, this has just been the best free coaching you’ve ever gotten in your life. Oh, my gosh. Alright, so don’t miss this. What we covered today is we talked about the three main egos. We’ve got the definition of what an ego is. We got the six pillars of starting to deal with the ego. What do you what do you call the six pillars? Is that the the the the mindful choice pillars? Is that how you lay them out?
Christie: The Mindful Choice Leadership Academy. So those are the modules within the academy.
Nicole: Okay, fantastic. And see, you got like, you know, she opened up her textbook and laid it down six different things. So that’s so beautiful. All right. So my last question for you, is, you know, there’s one person listening that’s like, oh, wait, don’t go tell me one more thing. One more nugget. So one more nugget for the road, Christie,
Christie: I love it. You know, my last piece of nugget is, or my last nugget, um, you know, choose for this year, choose to be intentional. Be 1% better every single day. That’s all it takes. And by this time next year, you’ll be 365% better. So figure out what your 1% is.
Nicole: Oh my god, y’all, that was money. All right, but that your pocket. 1% better every day. 365% better by December 31. And then you can have champagne. Or you could go visit Christie out in California.
Christie: Yeah, come on out. Bring your whole team let’s do this.
Nicole: Fantastic. Alright, so Christie, everybody wants to get a hold of you. So will you tell us what your, what the best way to get ahold of you is and mention your website, please?
Christie: Absolutely. You can definitely reach me I’m on my website. Mindfulchoicecoaching.com. You can also reach me on LinkedIn, that’s a big one. So Christie Garcia on the LinkedIn. Mindful Choice Coaching if you want to or Mindful Choice Leadership Academy is our page on LinkedIn to learn about you know, some content and articles and things that we’re posting to help you know, deepen some of this learning. And then of course, just your Instagram social sites, so Mindful Choice underscore on Instagram and Facebook. And then you can also email me anytime Christie@mindfulchoicecoaching.com. I’d love to hear from you and connect and see if there’s anything I can do to help you manage your ego.
Nicole: Okay, well, there you go. You got even more goodies. So don’t miss what she said. Go to LinkedIn, go to the Mindful Choice Academy page. Did I get that right? You’ll go to Christie. There’ll be a link, click go. And then there’s just more goodies sitting there. There’s more goodies sitting there. All right, Christie Garcia, it is so good to be with you. I appreciate your genius and helping us to build a vibrant culture. We’re really, really grateful. Thank you so much. Have a great rest of your day.
Christie: Thank you so much, Nicole, it’s been a real pleasure.
Voiceover: Ready to build your vibrant culture? Bring Nicole Greer to speak to your leadership team, conference or organization to help them with her strategies, systems and smarts to increase clarity, accountability, energy and results. Your organization will get lit from within. Email Nicole@nicolegreer.com. And be sure to check out Nicole’s TEDx talk at nicolegreer.com.
